Slowly losing my friends. 11/22/2015

Hello, I have many friends I hang out with, talk to, rely on for help, etc. I'm very social, was president for clubs in college, and played team sports. My initial social interactions are very good; almost everyone likes me initially. I have had four very close/best friends. These are ones whom I shared every aspect of my life with, the ones I go to for real advice and truly respect their opinions. Slowly but surely each one has cut me out, all of this occurring at different points during my life. The first friend moved away. Although I kept calling and emailing, she ignored me. I lived with the second friend for four years; we shared everything, our hopes, dreams, etc. I have never felt so connected with anyone before. When these two cut me out, it was hard to handle. I spent a year and a half trying to get them back, trying to figure out why it happened. I thought it might have been something with our relationship and that I just needed to find someone with whom I'm more compatible. Now I'm losing friend number three and my sister has just informed me that if I weren't her sister, she would probably cut me out, too. I'm not really sure what to do but clearly the problem is me. I have now been close to four different but very kind people and all of them prefer to not to have me in their lives. In every situation, it has never been a mean or angry break and all of them have told me that I'm a nice person. It's just like they became too exhausted to handle me. I'm not really sure what it is but I think I snap at people close to me when I'm tired or frustrated. I also think it could be that I point out their shortcomings (usually when I'm just trying to be helpful because I know they can be better and I love them). I also think when things go wrong with our relationship I'm able to convince them its their fault so there is constant guilt. Can you think of anything else could cause this? How can I change or fix it? How do I not lose friend number three or my sister. If it is possible how do I get friends once or two back or have I pushed them too far?

My response: You are fortunate to have such an outgoing personality and natural skill for making new friends. It has to be terribly painful and disappointing, however, to lose one close friends after another, especially when the breakups are one-sided and you have no say in the matter. Friends may find you exhausting for a variety of reasons: Perhaps, you are too clingy, too talkative, too abrasive, too short-tempered, too critical or too intense. Without knowing you, I can only throw out guesses. Before you try to resurrect these friendships, you need to focus on fixing whatever makes people, including your sister, want to back away from you. The problems you are having seem to be persistent and are interfering with your ability to sustain satisfying friendships. Speaking to a mental health counsellor or therapist may help you achieve greater insight so you can identify and modify whatever aspect of your behaviour is off putting to others. I think these phrases are very telling: "I also think it could be that I point out their shortcomings (usually when I'm just trying to be helpful because I know they can be better and I love them). I also think when things go wrong with our relationship I'm able to convince them its their fault so there is constant guilt. No one likes to be around someone who points out faults. And the fact that you admit that you do it because they can "be better" is a very telling statement. It shoes that you're not really accepting of the person as-is, warts and all. None of us has the right to 'fix' other people That's up to them. Unless the person is doing truly self damaging things, it's best to gloss over tiny defects for the sake of higher quality relationships. The second issue of concern is that you out-rightly admit that you convince the other party that anything wrong in the relationship is their fault. That is not exactly fair nor accurate. There are going to be problems between two imperfect people and that you admit/are conscious that you purposely convince them that they are at fault is not the sign of emotional maturity. That is something that deserves serious mental health intervention because it is extremely off putting and will further isolate your behaviour. The fact that your sister has admitted that she would have cut you off is a neon red sign that you have deeper issues to work out. That doesn't make you less worthy. Perhaps it should make you more humble and more willing to look yourself as someone to improve rather than others.