I need a reality check! 11/21/2015

Hi, it's been a little over a month since I ended my unhealthy best-friendship.

Here's the backstory: "We were best friends for a year and a half and were a big part of each other's lives. The issue was, she was very insecure, needy and jealous. Despite my constant reassurance, she repeatedly shut me out and hurt me because of her jealous insecurity. I began to isolate myself from others in my life in an attempt to make her more secure. She was jealous of everyone in my life and didn't want any other friends in her life except for her. I started to become consumed with our friendship and constantly paranoid. I was also so stressed and hurt from all of the shutting out and pain. I couldn't take anymore and had to end it." Fast forward to now, over a month later and I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions. I've been missing her a lot and I fear I've been idealizing our friendship. I keep thinking about all of the good parts that I miss and I'm grieving that so much. I'm having a hard time recalling all of the bad, and wondering if going through all the bad was worth it to have a best friend in my life? I have been trying hard to rekindle some past friendships and I also hope to make some new ones, but I feel lonely. I was used to having a best friend to talk to regularly and spend time with. Is it normal to focus so much on the good parts that you temporarily forget all the bad? Will I get past this stage soon? Also, I'm concerned that I'll never find new friendships to make and perhaps never have a best friend again. And, finally, I've been so very tempted to contact her in some way, just to let her know I still care about her. Is it a terribly a bad idea? Part of me thinks it really is, but she was such a big part of my life, it is hard to imagine never speaking again. Is this just another part of the grieving process?

My response: It's normal to grieve the end of relationships. Even bad or toxic ones. One month is a very short period of time. By month three, you will be find. When you stop being consumed by this very toxic person, your behaviour will change, and you will be open to new friendship. Avoid getting too quickly or overly involved with people, and maybe pick up a few books about healthy boundaries for yourself. You'll be fine with them. Time heals, if you let it. Keep yourself very busy. Yours was not a healthy relationship and sounds like a toxic romance versus a healthy friendship. No one should be controlling and possessive. Change, even good change, is difficult for us all. The "protective" part of yourself ended your toxic friendship. But another part of you that had bonded to her is hurt and feeling lost. Even a child being abused will bond with the abusive parent. But if that kid is removed from the home into a loving family for several months, they never want to return to abuse! Trust that protective part of yourself! Give yourself time. You could write down her good and bad qualities if you want and look at what she brought to the friendship. Later, you may notice the negative effects she had on you. You just haven't had time to finish processing it all yet. It takes time to accept something is over even when it is. You will be okay with time. Don't worry about not finding other people, you will, but don't rush it. Your intuition is telling you not to go back there, not to go near her, that is why you are worried. You need to listen to that intuition. Even when we break off a friendship, it can be sad. We can wonder if we did the right thing, but importantly we should go back because we need to focus on why we broke off in the first place. Have confidence in your decision as it was the right one for you, and life choice. I wouldn't contact your ex friend or go back there and undo all your hard work. Your grief will pass.