Distancing myself. 11/18/2015

Hi, I made a friend three years ago that fast became my best friend. She came along when I really needed her, I was freshly divorced, and I needed a friend to help me find my backbone again. She's gusty, takes no prisoners, and is very loyal as a friend. I've always known there are differences in our values. She's materialistic and something of a princess, is very opinionated (I keep quiet while she rants), and she can be very intimidating and overbearing. The problem has been lately. First, she's never quite approved of the guy I've been dating for a year now because he doesn't shower me with gifts. I agree he can be stingy, but I don't expect to be showered with gifts either. The last time we all were together, she was downright obnoxious in front of him dropping hints about what a guy can do for his gal, and all the lovely things her last boyfriend brought for her. My boyfriend has gone from tolerating her to really not liking her at all. Meanwhile, she's hooked a man. Initially I was really happy for her because this guy is a gem. But 6 weeks into their relationship they were talking about marriage and then 10 weeks into their relationship she's running through a laundry list of all the things she wants to change about him and his flaws. Bottom line is that I am sure she sees this guy as a meal ticket, and her constant comments about how she deserves the best (house, food, car, vacations, etc) is sickening. They are getting married in three months, and I feel like I'm part of her conspiracy. What we have is a major difference of values. I don't want to have "the talk" with her to say I think she's using him. I don't think it would be productive, and it would only end our friendship. What I do want, though. is to distance myself from her and be friends but no longer best friends. How can I make that transition out of best friend status with minimum damage?

My response: I would say that what happens between them regarding material issues should probably be just be between them. People have a wide variety of opinions as to these matters, and often times men are okay about providing these things. But as far as it rankles you, you could start distancing yourself without making a confrontation about the difference values. You can always be "busy". Then you can take your friendship back up a notch if and when things between the two of you get back on track. Just cutting contact with her should do the trick, I'd think. I don't recall ever having to push a friend away. My problem has always been the opposite, even though I'm a nice person and very giving, people blow me off or don't phone me that much, if at all. I've been blown off by enough people over my life to tell how other people have done it to me, maybe these approaches could work for you. Instead of calling (or emailing or visiting) your friend everyday, cut it down to once a month, or whatever amount you feel comfortable with. She'll either get the hint, or she will eventually get so sick and tired of tracking you down, and she will get so fed up being the only one to initiate phone calls etc.. that she will stop visiting/phoning/emailing you because you're too much effort. If you do reply to any heart felt emails she sends, where she goes on about her personal problems or whatever, just respond with very tense, short replies (doing this shows a lack of interest). Or you could ignore those messages altogether, or reply but don't address topics she raised in her emails. After awhile, she'll find that hurtful and insulting enough to stop coming to you about anything. Nobody wants to be hated or disliked, but I don't think there's an easy way to "demote" a friend (from best buddy to casual acquaintance) without causing them to feel hurt or offended by that on some level. Demoting a friend is a form of rejection, and everyone finds rejection painful. I don't think there's an "easy" way of letting her down.