A mom worries that her teenager daughter who only has friends outside of school. 11/17/2015

Hey, I am concerned about my 16 year old daughter. She is unable to make or keep friends at her school. She is a high level competitive figure skater who has big goals in her sport. She skates seven days a week at a rink one-hour away from where we live. She has been very successful with her skating, however I also think it is a way for her to escape from her problems with friendships in school. She gets home from skating on weekends and has nothing to do. Nobody calls her and she feels sad and frustrated yet, she doesn't want to work at it either. She did have a rough elementary school experience. She was held back in first grade because she seemed to have difficulty with focus and her grades were low. Immediately, doctors thought ADD but actually, two years later, we learned that it was not ADD, she was anxious. Girls would not accept her, and she was excluded and a victim of strong bullying. I do feel that this experience has impacted her negatively. Lately, she has had paid little attention to her appearance. She wants to wear the same things over and over. She doesn't want to do anything with her hair other than a ponytail. She is a sophomore in high school and is so disconnected. Her grades are above average. It breaks my heart because when she has a competition, she is so happy, confident (still nervous), and looks beautiful. She is respected by her skating peers and does have friends there. I wish her classmates knew what an amazing, talented, kind, thoughtful, person she is. Teachers love her. I really don't think her teachers or anyone at school realizes that she is just suffering silently.

My response: A few things jumped out at me when I read your letter. First, your daughter has friends at figure skating and spends a considerable amount of time at the rink. It sounds like she fits in there and possesses the necessary social skills to build and maintain friendships. She is comfortable with her ''people." Building on positives and success is usually the best way to improve happiness. Does she even plan activities with her skating friends, such as sleepovers or trips to the mall? It's quite possible that your daughter doesn't mesh well with her classmates because of the time and energy she spends on her sport. Kids who dance competitively or spend a large percentage on their time on an outside activity or sport tend to make friends primarily who are outside of school. If your daughter can build her confidence around having friends through skating, she may hold her head a bit higher at school and project a more confident, friendlier persona. The third part of your latter, which concerned me (and you) is her sudden lack of interest in her appearance and wearing the same clothes. This could be a symptom of depression, a medical condition that is very treatable, especially since her symptoms aren't present during competition weekends. Given your concerns, taking her to the paediatrician to be screened, especially with her history of anxiety, is probably a good idea. Lastly, I wondered whether your daughter shares your concerns about her friendships. Why does she lack any initiative to work at socializing at school. Possibilities might be that she assumes rejection, feels badly about herself, lacks interest in socializing or some combination of these factors. Knowing her thoughts will help you help her, if indeed she wants your assistance. In the meantime, I would encourage weekend activities with skating friends and see how she responds. From your letter, I think things will work out focusing on expanding her positive relationships. Good luck.