Unbalanced friendships: Why does this happen? 04/05/2016

I have had a few friends for many years but these relationships have been unbalanced. I always took more of the initiative in the relationships most of the time, not them. It makes me think that they don’t value my friendship. Got any advice?

My response: Your complaint is a common one. Although it’s nice when friendships are balanced, and both people make an effort to get together and make plans, this isn’t always the case.

Here are a few possible reasons why this isn’t always the case:

Some people are more eager to spend time with friends than others; they may be more outgoing and social while others are more comfortable spending time alone.
Some people may have more discretionary time for friendships while others may have greater work and/or school responsibilities.
Some people may have a larger number of friends than others so they initiate contact with each friend less frequently.
Some people tend to be planners while others tend to be more passive; when this occurs often, it can be self-perpetuating.
I’m not sure what is going on in your case. If your friends are responding positively to your invites and you have a good time together, you can let them know that you hope that they would initiate get-togethers, too.
If one or more friends are always turning you down, it might suggest that they really aren’t as invested in these friendships as you are. In those instances, you might want to pull back a bit, too, and look for friendships that are more reciprocal.