Regrets. 02/04/2017

Dear Tina,

I broke up with my boyfriend of about two years for two reasons. The first was distance. We just aren't great when we're apart, and I'm still in school while he's graduated. We're not terribly far from each other, but I don't feel emotionally close when we aren't physically together. The second was feelings for someone else (or really, multiple people over the course of a few months, but one especially). My boyfriend was really devastated and shocked and wanted to try to work things out, and suggested lots of ways we could change our relationship. I said no to trying to work it out because I felt sure I wanted this breakup. I'd thought about it for a couple of months. I figured a clean break was less cruel than dragging it out when I knew I didn't want to be with him. Of course, regret set in. I started seeing this other guy, who's great, but I still think about my ex all the time (I've been clear with the other guy about all of my feelings). Every day, I fight the urge to call him and ask him to get back together. I don't because I really don't want to hurt him more and confuse him. The conditions haven't changed – we'd still be apart. I still feel a lot of attraction to other people. So I fear that we'd just break up down the road. How normal is this regret? How long should I wait it out? It's been less than a month, so I'm aware that it's probably normal to miss someone at this point, but when is it enough to get back together?

My response: Heyy.  It's been less than a month? That's barely a breakup. You're just getting used to your new routine without him. Wouldn't it be weird if after a few weeks you didn't miss him at all?Please give yourself time – like maybe months – to adjust to being a single person. Get used to seeing friends instead of a boyfriend. Know that it might feel weird to be alone. Also be open to the grief that comes with losing a good friend. Because he was, right? You're doing the right thing – you know this. Don't be tempted to second-guess your decision just because you're experiencing human feelings. And try not to get a new boyfriend right away or you'll wind up with the same problem all over again. This will feel better – or different, at least – over time. Whenever you have the urge to text or call your ex, call a platonic companion. Get used to it.